Introduction
When I first moved to Japan as a homemaker, I was struck by how often the word “should” seemed to guide daily life.
“You should save money because financial security equals happiness.”
“You should always keep yourself busy to be seen as productive.”
“You should never stop improving, even in small things like cooking or handwriting.”
At first, I tried to follow these unspoken rules, believing they represented the “right” way to live here. But as I adjusted to life in Japan, I began to notice how heavy these “shoulds” could feel—not just for me, but for many women around me. The world around us is changing so quickly—stable jobs are no longer guaranteed, traditional family roles are shifting, and new ways of finding meaning in life are emerging. What was once considered “proper” or “secure” doesn’t always fit our reality anymore.
And here’s something I find fascinating: these “shoulds” aren’t unique to Japan. In different cultures, people carry different versions of them. What is “right” in one country may look unnecessary—or even strange—in another. That realization made me want to step back and ask: Who decides what we “should” do?
Everyday Narratives
In my daily life in Japan, I began to see how these “shoulds” appear in very ordinary moments.
For example, when talking with other mothers at my child’s school, the topic of education often comes up. There’s a common belief that “you should send your child to the best cram school if you want them to succeed.” Even if the child is happy and healthy, there is pressure to invest in extra lessons, because education is linked to the idea of future financial success—and therefore, happiness.
Another example is in household management. Many women I met shared the feeling that “you should save as much as possible, because stability comes from money.” While saving is, of course, practical, the weight of this belief sometimes leaves little room for joy in the present moment.
And then there’s the idea of self-improvement. In Japan, it can mean constantly finding ways to refine yourself—whether that’s in cooking, keeping the home perfectly organized, or even handwriting practice. The message is: “You should never stop improving.” On the surface, it sounds positive, but living under this constant expectation can feel exhausting.
The more I paid attention, the more I realized these rules weren’t simply about personal choice—they were shaped by long-standing societal values. And yet, in today’s rapidly changing world, many of these “rules” don’t match reality anymore.
Shifting Realities
Over time, I started to notice that many of these long-standing “rules” no longer hold the same power they once did.
For example, the idea of lifelong job security—once the backbone of Japanese society—is slowly fading. Many families I know now rely on dual incomes, part-time work, or even small side businesses. Stability is no longer about one company protecting you for life, but about creating a “portfolio career,” where different sources of income provide flexibility. The old “you should find a stable company and stay there forever” is becoming less realistic.
The same applies to education. While some parents still push the cram school path, others are beginning to question it, choosing alternative programs or encouraging their children to pursue creative skills instead. The belief that only academic success equals happiness is being challenged.
And when I compare these “shoulds” with other cultures, I realize just how relative they are. In some Western countries, for instance, taking a break or prioritizing family time is seen as healthy, not lazy. In other cultures, spending money on experiences rather than saving every coin is considered a way to build a meaningful life. What feels like an absolute truth in Japan can look unnecessary—or even outdated—from another perspective.
This contrast opened my eyes: there is no single universal way to live “correctly.” The “shoulds” we follow are often inherited, not chosen.
Choosing Our Own Path
Realizing that these “shoulds” were not universal—and not always useful—was freeing for me. Instead of asking, “What do people expect me to do?” I began asking, “What actually matters to me and my family?”
Sometimes that meant saying no to unnecessary lessons for my child, even if other parents looked surprised. Other times it meant choosing to spend money on a small trip together instead of saving every yen. These choices may not fit the traditional rules, but they bring us joy and balance in ways the “shoulds” never did.
I’m not saying that all rules are bad—many traditions hold wisdom. But the key is recognizing which expectations still serve us, and which ones weigh us down. By letting go of the outdated “shoulds,” I discovered more space for gratitude, creativity, and peace in daily life.
And perhaps this is something universal after all: wherever we live, we all carry invisible lists of “shoulds.” The question is not whether they exist, but whether we want to keep following them.
So, I invite you to reflect: What are the “shoulds” in your culture, and do they truly make your life better? If not, maybe it’s time to deconstruct them—and write your own rules for a happier, more authentic life.
コメント